I just stood there...

I watched her being beaten. I watched her fighting him off. I watched him rip her clothes, force her down and, ultimately, force himself upon her. 

I watched it
and I did nothing
in my own house.

I can't even remember her fucking name. 

My grandmother had taken this girl under her wing. She had been staying at our house for a few days. She was a few years older than me, blonde, cute. I don't know what was happening in her life but she was there - until she wasn't.

I grew up being molested, I lost my virginity at 13 (and in a shitty way), my entire concept of love was fucked up, to say the least. Basically, if I wasn't treated like shit, then obviously, they didn't care. Because you only fight with/for the things we care about the most, right? 

I was great at picking assholes who would treat me like I thought I deserved to be treated. I recall being forced into the shower and scalding hot water turned on as everyone laughed and held the door closed. There was the guy who would lock my head between his thighs and burn me with his cigarette. I'd been strangled, beat up, brutalized, raped, controlled - all by the guys who were supposed to "love" me.  But - this was the first time I saw it happening to someone else.  I was 16 years old.

I honestly have not thought about that day in so long and I don't even know how it all started but my grandparents were both gone (which was rare) and the guy I was seeing came over. At some point he began trying to talk to her and when she wasn't open to his flirting he began to step it up and get aggressive about it. I got jealous and we got into an argument so I locked myself in my room.

Then came the screams and crying.

I stood in the family room looking into the dining room. He had her on the floor, his knees digging into her upper arms as he was hitting her. Her kicking and screaming not stopping him at all. 

I remember yelling and telling him to stop but he didn't even seem to hear me. Maybe nothing came out of my throat, maybe I just imagined yelling. I don't know. But I stood there.

I just fucking stood there.

He got her pants down and forced himself in, and I stood there. My throat clenched, tears in my eyes, and I stood there watching the nightmare unfold in front of me, like the many times as a kid, I would lay on the bed and watch the shadows dance across the ceiling from the trees and just imagine myself somewhere else until it was safe to come back into my head...I just stood there.

He finished, got up, walked over and grabbed me by the throat and told me to keep my fucking mouth shut, and walked out the door. 

The girl got up and yelled at me for not doing anything and I defended him! I fucking defended HIM! What the actual fuck was wrong with me? She didn't deserve that, NOBODY deserved that. I justified the entire ordeal, placed the blame on her for being a fucking girl and encouraging it in some way. I am not proud of this, not in the least. But, karma has a way of coming back at you - I paid many times over for this, including being raped myself, but those are other stories for other days. 

She grabbed her stuff and took off.

My grandmother questioned me about it all later and, like I was told, I didn't say a fucking word. I never saw the girl again.

For the majority of my life I was with assholes who treated me like dirt, really until I left my first husband. About that time I grew a brain and found myself...I also found the ability to run toward a fight lol. God help the person who is abusing someone around me as I'm the first to jump in and get in the middle to protect someone else. Many times without thinking about my own safety, but I'm guessing maybe this memory is where it stems from.

I can't even remember her name...

Like A Virgin

NOTE: Names have been changed to, well, I don't know who I'm protecting....but I know I should.  So, there. 

Ahhh, that first time....

You always remember it, hopefully fondly.  

Mine was the summer between 8th and 9th grade.  (Yes, I was almost 14.  All the parents reading this just cringed at the thought - trust me, as a parent myself it terrified me, lol!)

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All the popular kids lived on my street.  Two football players and the top cheerleaders (twins).  I never stood a chance.  They hated me.  One time, when I was about 9, they thought it would be funny to put me in a trash can and roll me down the steep driveway into the street.  They weren't very nice to me.

The next block over, however, lived 6 kids, younger than me by a couple years, but a much better alternative than hanging around my street.  There was Jack and Jill, Moose and his little brother, and Dick and his little brother.

I would go hang out with Jill every chance I could get, since she was the only girl.  Really, I wanted to hang out with the guys - but their parents didn't approve of that so much.  And, if we REALLY get down to it, I just wanted to hang out with Dick.

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I had the biggest crush on him for years.  And the fact that he never really gave two shits about me just made me like him even more.  

One summer it changed.  Dick finally caught onto the fact that girls were awesome.  We would hang out secretly and I'd stay out past dark.  I remember my first kiss.  I was certain it was love.

One day he invited me over to his house.  It was summer so both his parents were at work.  I was SOO excited.  The thought that he and I would hang out, alone...it was too much!

I showed up and when I got inside I saw Jack and Moose there.  Everything was fine for about a minute.  They grabbed my legs and my arms and dropped me to the ground.  I kicked and tried to get away as much as I could.  I wasn't scared at that point, it was more like we were wrestling and stuff and I was losing badly.  They were all still laughing as though it was a game.  It was a game alright.  Just not the kind I wanted to play. 

They stripped me down naked and tied my hands and feet.  After congratulating themselves in total domination, Dick kicked everyone out.

Once we were alone things changed.  I wasn't untied, but at that point it wasn't completely involuntary.  He was kissing me and saying nice things.  I liked the attention.  It was all I'd wanted for so long.  We were alone, he was paying attention to me.  Nevermind that I was tied up...I'd seen it in movies and it was what adults do and they like it.  Right?

He finally untied me so we could go into his bedroom.  I was so freaking nervous.  He didn't know I was a virgin.  I'd been building up that I was cool for weeks, virgins were lame....but I did know he was. (he was 13 btw).  

We are on his bed making out.  I was terrified.  I mean, yes, I'd been in some fucked up adult situations for most of my life, but this was a boy I thought I was in love with.  It was going to be my FIRST TIME.  I could have thrown up....but I have an irrational fear of puking.

We fumbled through it, of course it didn't take long.  It wasn't fireworks and angels singing.  It was painful and sad.  I didn't get all the hype about it.  But, it had happened, and with Dick, I loved Dick, and I knew that Dick loved me now.  Because that is how you show love and how you get love.  That's what I had been taught.  Right?  RIGHT?

He got off me, got out of bed and started gathering my clothes.  

He walked to the back door, opened it, and threw my stuff as far out there as he could.

He looked at me and said, "Thanks for the use of your body.  Get out."

..............................

Did I mention he had two dogs.  They were not nice dogs.  

As he pushed me out the door I knew I only had a moment to grab stuff and get over the fence as fast as possible.  

I was naked, scared and standing in someone elses yard - devastated.

It was the longest walk of shame I've ever done to get back home.

The saddest part is that, somewhere, in the back of my mind, I STILL thought that we might "go together".  That he really did like me and he just didn't want his friends to know.  That, somehow we were connected, I literally believed there was still a chance, I just hadn't done something right and I needed to try harder.

That's where it began.  Well, it began way before that.  But that was the moment it materialized.  Of course, I didn't see it till MUCH later in life.  

Children who are abused seek others to abuse them.  I deserved it.  Right?

My days of hanging out over on their block were over, I was shunned from the group like a dirty whore.  School started back and since he was in 7th grade now, we were in the same school together.  I'd see him and Jack and Moose in the halls.  He was one of the popular jock guys.  He'd make fun of me and they'd all laugh.  But why not, everyone else did back then anyway.

I still had a crush on him.  For years I did.  It never really sunk in to my head what exactly had transpired.  How completely fucked up that entire situation had been. Good Lord I was stupid!