Who needs a therapist

In his final years, after my grandmother had passed, I finally got up the nerve and told my grandfather that if he ever touched one of my kids that I would kill him with my bare hands. It was a very freeing moment. One of those that stands as a turning point in my life.

The sad thing is that even then he blamed ME for it.

ME!

I was a fucking CHILD

But, I'll tell you, and nobody ever fucking understands it. When he died I was crushed. He had been the only father figure I had. He was all I had left.

I loved him.
I still love him.

 My past haunts me It always does, even when I say it doesn’t and put on this front that I’m some super human person who doesn’t let her past scars show. Inside I am just a mess of self imflicted wounds that are still open and bleeding. I may have stopped cutting myself on the outside but inside I’m just as active as I was when I was in my teenage years.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a depressed person. Oh hell no. I have that shit all locked up so tight. I’ve even repainted it multiple colors and put fancy flowers all around it to make it look just spiffy.

Are you buying this?

I have my moments, like this one, where that door gets cracked and shit starts oozing out and I can’t get it all shoved back in. I don’t really even know WHAT exactly I am feeling, or better yet WHY I am feeling the way I am - all I know is it is deep and so gut wretchingly sad.

My body hurts, my lower body - my hips, my knees, my feet - they all just hurt - for no fucking good reason. And the shit thing is that I KNOW it is in my head. My physical pain is manifested by my emotional pain. The pain is very real, but it is because of emotional trauma that is not being dealt with.

Thank you very much, that will be $200 for the self diagnosis.

Chasing Shadows

I would consider myself a fairly smart girl.  The problem is that I over analyze.  Constantly.

I weigh each and every situation and the probability of failure.  Because, I'm pretty sure something will go wrong.  

Now, I'm not nearly as pessimistic as I used to be.  My glass was always half empty until a few years ago. But I do tend to find myself expecting failure quite often.  By setting my sights low then I am sure to not be disappointed, right?

There seems to be something inside of me that just wants to self destruct every few years.  I get too comfortable and things are good and I know something horrible must be around the corner.  I cut and run.  My friends who have known me for a long time all know.  I've done a lot of damage over the years.  Hurt a lot of people.  I'm not proud.

The first sign of trouble and it's fight or flight.  

From "Times Up, Eve" directed by Patrick Rea

It's hard to break old habits.  My insecurities still creep to the surface and I see myself as I was when I was much younger - and for no fucking reason at all.  It's like subconsciously I am always waiting and searching for some clue as to who's going to screw me over next so I can beat them to the punch.  

My past taught me that nobody is to be trusted, everyone will fuck you over and there is no such thing as true love.  Throughout my many years and shitty relationships I had never been shown otherwise.  I got what I expected to get.  

Now everything is so different.  When I began to expect more, I got more.  And when I expected to be happy, I was happy. When I stopped trying to force things, I found real love.  There is tremendous truth in the power of positive thinking.  That is no bullshit and I practice it daily. It will completely change your life, trust me on that.

I still have my shadows that haunt me, sometimes they even win and I become an idiot and do idiotic things and jump to idiotic conclusions.  But I just keep trying to do better next time.  I think the thing is to acknowledge my faults.  To understand the WHY of it all.  Why do I react the way I do? Why do I think the way I do? Why does something get to me the way it does?  Maybe, by finding answers to those questions I can eventually take the power out of the problem.

I've come a LONG way but the road is long.  There will always be shadows around me, but it's getting brighter and brighter.  ;) 

From "Times Up, Eve" directed by Patrick Rea