Who needs a therapist
In his final years, after my grandmother had passed, I finally got up the nerve and told my grandfather that if he ever touched one of my kids that I would kill him with my bare hands. It was a very freeing moment. One of those that stands as a turning point in my life.
In his final years, after my grandmother had passed, I finally got up the nerve and told my grandfather that if he ever touched one of my kids that I would kill him with my bare hands. It was a very freeing moment. One of those that stands as a turning point in my life.
The sad thing is that even then he blamed ME for it.
ME!
I was a fucking CHILD
But, I'll tell you, and nobody ever fucking understands it. When he died I was crushed. He had been the only father figure I had. He was all I had left.
I loved him.
I still love him.
My past haunts me It always does, even when I say it doesn’t and put on this front that I’m some super human person who doesn’t let her past scars show. Inside I am just a mess of self imflicted wounds that are still open and bleeding. I may have stopped cutting myself on the outside but inside I’m just as active as I was when I was in my teenage years.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a depressed person. Oh hell no. I have that shit all locked up so tight. I’ve even repainted it multiple colors and put fancy flowers all around it to make it look just spiffy.
Are you buying this?
I have my moments, like this one, where that door gets cracked and shit starts oozing out and I can’t get it all shoved back in. I don’t really even know WHAT exactly I am feeling, or better yet WHY I am feeling the way I am - all I know is it is deep and so gut wretchingly sad.
My body hurts, my lower body - my hips, my knees, my feet - they all just hurt - for no fucking good reason. And the shit thing is that I KNOW it is in my head. My physical pain is manifested by my emotional pain. The pain is very real, but it is because of emotional trauma that is not being dealt with.
Thank you very much, that will be $200 for the self diagnosis.
Like A Virgin
The saddest part is that, somewhere, in the back of my mind, I STILL thought that we might "go together". That he really did like me and he just didn't want his friends to know. That, somehow we were connected, I literally believed there was still a chance, I just hadn't done something right and I needed to try harder.
NOTE: Names have been changed to, well, I don't know who I'm protecting....but I know I should. So, there.
Ahhh, that first time....
You always remember it, hopefully fondly.
Mine was the summer between 8th and 9th grade. (Yes, I was almost 14. All the parents reading this just cringed at the thought - trust me, as a parent myself it terrified me, lol!)
All the popular kids lived on my street. Two football players and the top cheerleaders (twins). I never stood a chance. They hated me. One time, when I was about 9, they thought it would be funny to put me in a trash can and roll me down the steep driveway into the street. They weren't very nice to me.
The next block over, however, lived 6 kids, younger than me by a couple years, but a much better alternative than hanging around my street. There was Jack and Jill, Moose and his little brother, and Dick and his little brother.
I would go hang out with Jill every chance I could get, since she was the only girl. Really, I wanted to hang out with the guys - but their parents didn't approve of that so much. And, if we REALLY get down to it, I just wanted to hang out with Dick.
I had the biggest crush on him for years. And the fact that he never really gave two shits about me just made me like him even more.
One summer it changed. Dick finally caught onto the fact that girls were awesome. We would hang out secretly and I'd stay out past dark. I remember my first kiss. I was certain it was love.
One day he invited me over to his house. It was summer so both his parents were at work. I was SOO excited. The thought that he and I would hang out, alone...it was too much!
I showed up and when I got inside I saw Jack and Moose there. Everything was fine for about a minute. They grabbed my legs and my arms and dropped me to the ground. I kicked and tried to get away as much as I could. I wasn't scared at that point, it was more like we were wrestling and stuff and I was losing badly. They were all still laughing as though it was a game. It was a game alright. Just not the kind I wanted to play.
They stripped me down naked and tied my hands and feet. After congratulating themselves in total domination, Dick kicked everyone out.
Once we were alone things changed. I wasn't untied, but at that point it wasn't completely involuntary. He was kissing me and saying nice things. I liked the attention. It was all I'd wanted for so long. We were alone, he was paying attention to me. Nevermind that I was tied up...I'd seen it in movies and it was what adults do and they like it. Right?
He finally untied me so we could go into his bedroom. I was so freaking nervous. He didn't know I was a virgin. I'd been building up that I was cool for weeks, virgins were lame....but I did know he was. (he was 13 btw).
We are on his bed making out. I was terrified. I mean, yes, I'd been in some fucked up adult situations for most of my life, but this was a boy I thought I was in love with. It was going to be my FIRST TIME. I could have thrown up....but I have an irrational fear of puking.
We fumbled through it, of course it didn't take long. It wasn't fireworks and angels singing. It was painful and sad. I didn't get all the hype about it. But, it had happened, and with Dick, I loved Dick, and I knew that Dick loved me now. Because that is how you show love and how you get love. That's what I had been taught. Right? RIGHT?
He got off me, got out of bed and started gathering my clothes.
He walked to the back door, opened it, and threw my stuff as far out there as he could.
He looked at me and said, "Thanks for the use of your body. Get out."
..............................
Did I mention he had two dogs. They were not nice dogs.
As he pushed me out the door I knew I only had a moment to grab stuff and get over the fence as fast as possible.
I was naked, scared and standing in someone elses yard - devastated.
It was the longest walk of shame I've ever done to get back home.
The saddest part is that, somewhere, in the back of my mind, I STILL thought that we might "go together". That he really did like me and he just didn't want his friends to know. That, somehow we were connected, I literally believed there was still a chance, I just hadn't done something right and I needed to try harder.
That's where it began. Well, it began way before that. But that was the moment it materialized. Of course, I didn't see it till MUCH later in life.
Children who are abused seek others to abuse them. I deserved it. Right?
My days of hanging out over on their block were over, I was shunned from the group like a dirty whore. School started back and since he was in 7th grade now, we were in the same school together. I'd see him and Jack and Moose in the halls. He was one of the popular jock guys. He'd make fun of me and they'd all laugh. But why not, everyone else did back then anyway.
I still had a crush on him. For years I did. It never really sunk in to my head what exactly had transpired. How completely fucked up that entire situation had been. Good Lord I was stupid!
